5 Lies You’ve Been Told About Your Bits


Whether you’ve got a penis, a vagina, or any other variation of bits, you’ve almost certainly been lied to about how they work. My job is to SMASH those lies!


1. Your bits need to be thoroughly washed with soap.

Soap-making companies would love to hear that you believe you need to wash your bits with their soaps. They’ll do anything to make you think that. Because money. But our bits are magical self-cleaning devices (mostly). The only thing you need to clean your bits is water. Pull back your foreskin (if you’ve got one of those) or push aside your inner labia (if you’ve got ’em), and give your body a good rinse.

Everyone’s bits smell like bits — let’s stop believing they need to smell like whatever EL James describes in 50 Shades of Grey.

He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There.

“You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse.

If your bits get a fishy or sourdough-ey smell, go see a doctor! You might have an infection or bacterial vaginosis. Don’t stick a tampon dipped in yogurt up your vag. Most likely you’ve done something that has upset the chemical balance of your bits — new birth control, penetration introduced bacteria, tight clothes, underwear moving around too much, etc, etc, etc. I personally advise against anti-yeast infection products if you can, they often don’t work or make it worse.


2. A vagina get loose if its owner has a lot of penetrative sex.

All that hotdog-down-a-hallway bullshit is, well, bullshit. Did I mention your bits are magical? They’re totally magical. Vaginas can be stretched and played with and penetrated to the owner’s heart’s content. But they’ll always shrink back to their normal size. If a vagina’s owner is aroused, it should loosen up a bit. If you’re excited because your partner is super tight when you have sex with them, I have some bad news for you. They’re probably not very turned on. Sorry.

A vagina will sometimes not stretch back to its original size if it’s gone through multiple childbirths or if it’s just getting a bit older. Both are often fixed with some super-fun Kegel exercises.


3. Uncircumcised penises are unclean, spread HIV easier, and are more likely to cause infections.

All you need to make sure an uncircumcised penis is clean is to pull back the foreskin (after it loosens up on its own — don’t try to clean under a baby’s foreskin) and rinse it off with water. Really. Magic!

An uncircumcised penis is not more likely to cause a UTI. Just nope.

It’s not clear that an uncircumcised penis is more likely to spread HIV. The studies that have backed this idea are riddled with flaws, and what’s worse is that some people have taken those studies to mean that if they’re circumcised, they don’t need to use a condom. NO. NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NOT. You can spread HIV with a circumcised or uncircumcised penis. Get tested regularly, use a condom, be safe.


4. Discharge from the vagina means you’re unhealthy.

Discharge is the awesome junk that makes your vagina a self-cleaning thing of magic. Getting sick of me calling your bits magical? TOO DAMN BAD.

As I said before, you only need to be concerned if that discharge changes significantly in color or starts smelling fishy or like soughdough bread. Eep.


5. Smaller women have tighter vaginas.

Stop it, that’s not science. Again, you shouldn’t really want your vagina-owning parter to be tight. That means they aren’t into it. And that doesn’t sound much like enthusiastic consent, does it?

But also, like, smaller women have smaller pelvic structures but that doesn’t mean their vaginas are tighter. If you’re seeking the tightest possible vagina then you’re probably a creep and a half. Ok bye.


Photos via Flickr Rennett Stowe and Wikimedia user David Monniaux under Creative Commons 2.0 and 1.0, respectively. 

Quote from 50 Shades of Grey by EL James.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s